I'm hoping that by sharing my experience, it may help someone out there to quit crystal, PNP, Tina.
For about 4 years, I smoked crystal meth about once a month, and though this isn't the amount that a lot of people do, I really understand the intense craving and feelings of addiction that are associated with using the drug. Sometimes I used it more than once a month because I
Just couldn't handle waiting anymore. Usually, though, once that time came around (I've waited a month, now I get my reward!) it was so exciting to do it again.
At least, that was at the beginning.
I started using the drug because of some sort of weird morbid curiosity... it had such a dark reputation and was so demonized. Then, the combination of crystal and sex was very addictive. I was extremely lonely. More than anything, I wanted a relationship. I moved to San Francisco when I was 23 years old and waited... year after year... to meet my significant other and he never came around. Meanwhile, I had an experimental and addictive nature (I had smoked lots of pot too). So I had lots of sex and became addicted to the phone lines, the cruising chat rooms, going to sex clubs, etc. Once I tried crystal, more and more I only wanted to have sex with crystal and not straight. Using crystal entered my dreams, I only searched for people who wanted to use crystal, etc. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
What happened over the course of 4 years, though, is that what was initially appealing and exciting became more and more painful to me. I was "watching" myself use it... and increasingly became more and more saddened that I was. The thing that was ultimately the saddest about it is that I wanted a relationship SO BADLY... but I did not want a relationship with someone who used crystal or was at all involved in that kind of scene.
How could I expect to find a relationship, especially with the kind of guy I wanted, while I was still involved in using crystal and involved in that type of scene???
The longer I used crystal, the more aggressive my fantasies became to where they were totally about objectification and expression of anger. My own fantasy life became less and less about intimacy with a guy and more about aggressive and angry sex. Meanwhile, in my actual real-life partying experiences, I was very lucky to ever find any sort of genuine human contact... it was just jacking off and watching porn with guys I felt no connection with. And this made me sadder and sadder, and more angry with myself and the community.
Eventually I became more and more disgusted with the whole thing -- though
I never forgot the appeal of it. I realized that I had always had a question inside me that I was asking: "Is there something WRONG with me? Am I not meeting a partner because there is something deeply wrong with me? Mind you, it had been almost 8 years since I moved to SF...and not 1 relationship (just some dating here and there)!
I finally realized on a deep level -- through years of pain and agony -- that doing crystal perpetuated my feeling that there was something wrong with me... and as long as I felt there was something wrong with me, I wouldn't find a relationship. I also very clearly saw that as long as I was doing crystal, I wouldn't find my significant other. And THAT is what finally made me quit. Realizing that I really was OK, and really listening to my deepest desires: I WANT a relationship and as long as I use crystal, I will NOT find him!
One time after I did crystal for the last time, I came home and I cried for 7 hours nonstop... all of the years of pain and anger just came up... the whole thing seemed SO sad. So many people looking for love in the wrong ways, in the wrong places, including me. So many unhappy, desperate people. I felt so horrible, so sickened by the whole thing that it finally cleared up my real desire for it.
I met my life partner after 5 months of not using crystal -- and after 8 years of being single in SF. I haven't used crystal for almost 3 years now. I met a very wholesome, healthy, wise, loving guy who was totally out of that whole party scene.
At the worst of it, I thought all gay men were fucked up. I was totally jaded. This town sucks, everyone is screwed up, etc. And at the worst of it, my sexual fantasy was filled with objectification and anger, and I never had any real, close, intimate sex.
However, the more distanced I became from using crystal, and from that scene, the anger in my fantasy life subsided and I no longer felt jaded about other gay men and the scene. Instead, I just felt compassion because I knew what people were going through. My dreams lost the imagery of partying and crystal. And my regular mode was to have great, intimate sex on no drugs.
It was a PROCESS for me to get clean. I had to go through the whole gamut of emotions. From fascinating to fun to excitement to depression and flatness, to anger, jadedness disgust and incredible sadness. And more and more I got in touch with what I really wanted (I knew it all along but I could more easily recognize my true desires once the crystal became a worse and worse experience).
So here are my final words: Quitting is a process, but focus on what you WANT. You WANT intimacy, that's what you crave deep down beneath all of the drugs. I don't think you’ll find a healthy relationship until you've stopped using crystal. Just focus on your true desires and let that give you power to stop. Trust that the longer you stop, the closer you will get to having the relationship you want. The longer you stop, the less the chemicals will be in your body and the less angry, hopeless and jaded you will be. The DRUG increases those feelings.
Try and bring people into your life who are not part of the jaded objectification party scene. There ARE good gay men out there. The cleaner you are, the less involved in the PNP scene, the more you will attract these people and the better you will feel about yourself, gay men and the scene. And the better you feel, the higher the chances of finding a healthy relationship.
Keep your eye on the prize: love and intimacy.
I hope that by me sharing my process, this has helped you. Trust the process and trust what you really want and you WILL DO IT.
GOOD LUCK!
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