my year with tina
For the past year, I used Tina an average of three times a month. We met in an ordinary way: I was hooking up with a guy I met online, I thought he was really hot, and when he offered me crystal, I decided to go for it. For a long time, I didn't see many effects, other than weeks of being tired, circles under my eyes and the dark moods when I crashed.
For me, one turning point was an evening when I hooked up with a guy. As a man who believes myself to be HIV-, I practice safer sex. While we were making out, we watched porn, and it was only after an hour that I noticed what was missing in the video: condoms. As the year went by, and I used more each time, I started to notice the questions I didn't ask. When I cruised for guys online, I no longer asked about safer sex, HIV status, or STDs. Often I stopped really caring what they looked like. And while this may seem a minor point, it was a departure from 20 years of caution -- enough to scare me.
I began to worry in the middle of the night, concerned about the four men I'd slept with on Friday night, or my five straight days of anonymous sex. And I began to feel lonely, even angry. All the false intimacy of Tina really depressed me, since even after an incredible night, I found nothing to build on. The anxiety and wasted time seemed too high a price to pay.
This isn't a dramatic story, compared to the other ones I've read. But I've been clean for a few weeks now, and I hope I stay that way. Though I don't think I became addicted, I learned that Tina is insidious, creeping into my thought processes. Often I imagine looking back on my life, should I live to an old age. Somehow, I don't think I'll ever wish I'd used more crystal.