Michael (39)
Being a long-term survivor of HIV, I had had my share of scary dates with guys. Despite having gone through a series of rejections, I had always taken the high road. When I finally met "Manuel", I finally thought that it had paid off. He had approached me while I was eating lunch one day, and we started dating.
Not sure if we were going to "really" date, I held off telling him my HIV status since we had not had sex yet. After 7 weeks of dating, finally the moment arrived where we were going to have sex for the first time. The situation got uncomfortable so I finally confessed that before we had sex, he needed to know I was positive. It was an emotional night, and we did not end up having sex, but rather talked about my/his experiences with sex and HIV.
Over the next few weeks, the emotional push and pull finally took its toll. He said he was in love with me, but was too scared to get involved. Although we were able to discuss safe-sex guidelines, ultimately it was not enough. Finally, after a night of him crying hysterically, and my comforting him in the most loving way possible, we decided, or rather, he decided, to stop seeing me. I was crushed, but, again, I took the high road. I defended our love the best that I could, but he could not handle the responsibility.
I tell you all this so that perhaps you can understand my state of mind, and the events that followed. You see, I was in love, and that was all that I had EVER wanted in my life. But after 8 years of being the responsible good boy, taking care of everyone else's feelings, neglecting my own, and being rejected continuously, I snapped.
I entered into a dark and ugly depression, and during that time, I tried Tina (crystal methamphetamine) for the first time. My first experiences were euphoric, and I was able to fulfill my "bad boy" fantasies without investing emotionally in the person on more than a here-and-now basis. That way I could not be hurt. I was reckless. I indulged in unsafe sex and "medicated" with Tina so as to not feel anything. I am not proud of my behavior, it just is what it is, but it was dark and ugly. The automatic messages I heard in my head were telling me that I could never have love because I was not good enough, that I would NEVER be good enough no matter how high the road I took. So, the road was worth abandoning at that point, and I said, "Fuck it! Fuck everything!".
I spiraled out of control, including reaching a point where the drug no longer worked for me as a means of escape, but rather against me. I would overdose, or come down feeling nervous, anxiety ridden, and ultimately more depressed. Still, I chased that initial euphoria that Tina gave me. And, I still have. Even though coming down made me noise sensitive, edgy and fearful, I still had to have the drug, which ultimately made me feel even worse for having abandoned the one road that kept me feeling good about myself. But I could not take care of myself anymore and also take care of others emotionally.
Of course, now I am a drug addict, and I have added a layer to my complexity that I ultimately did not need. The light at the end of the tunnel is becoming closer as I try to sort out and understand why I unraveled. It has been painful, but the road to recovery will always be that as a result of making Tina my friend. Just when I think I am in a good place, I can easily fall back into old patterns that involve using drugs. As I continue to strive towards recovery, I realize that it is precarious at best. I realize that becoming well spiritually and emotionally can be done, but the struggle is hard, VERY hard.
So my message is to all people who just want to get high, have fun and escape for a little while is that Tina is not your friend. She will make you feel good in the moment, but she will turn on you. Added to this is that the recovery rate is not especially high. And for most of us in recovery, the choices we made to use are choices that will affect us one way or another for the rest of our lives. Regardless, this is the path I must take to move on with my life in becoming a healthy person. And, I hope that I will be one of the success stories around addiction.