Here i am. Its 430A.m. and I have just smoke my last shard. I feel the so powerless over this drug that it has taken over my life to the point where i dont have the motivation to stop. Im all alone in my room listening to music on my computer, trance to be exact. My room is hot and it smells. The windows are covered and I have not come out since yesterday. I have found a place to pee and thats in the waste basket by my desk.
I have a mirror facing me so i wont feel alone. There is total darkness in my room, only the light from the monitor illuminates my hands so that i may know where to type. God , what happen? I was so bright, so full of potential, and smarts. Its a sad turn of events of how my life at 23 feels like its over. I have been tweeking for almost three years now. Its more then i expected to be doing this drug.
Well the truth is that i had stop for four months. i was doing real well. I had even taken the initiative to seek help and follow a twelve step program. But some how reality became to overwhelming for me to face it sober and found the first excuse to start getting loaded again.
I will never forget the thick cloud of smoke that exhales my body as i release it into the air and see its many forms as it begins to disappear before my eyes. Not to mention the rush that i get from a real good hit. Im at one with meth, it makes the hours just fly and you are in the realm that makes everything feel intense. I cannot wait unitl my next hit so i can feel that way again, again, again. But the more i smoke it the quicker it finishes and i begin to feel like a fish out of water. I cant breathe with out it. I need it to continue living in my little world that makes me feel safe.
I stare at the screen and my eyes are starting to close from all of the meth body has taken in. Im beyond high, Im gone. my mind cannot think nor make my body shut off the computer. im fixated on letting everyone know what is going on in my head.
Soon it will be daylight again and now i will have to face my family as if nothing had happen to me. I hate the lies that i have made up so that they dont find out that im using. I also dont want to see the disappointment in their eyes again. it s a look that haunts me l but meth is stronger then them i cant stop.